The Name is  “Mutti”

Mutti was a speck of a hope of dust when she first came to life.  In German, her name is a term of endearment from child to mother.

I used it to call to my mother back then, but that was about a very long time ago when I was not yet dusty from the things that happen to young wranglers that wouldn’t know the first thing about manning up to anything but a full length mirror when curling iron in a sweaty Marine Corps gym, on assignment in the Philippines.

At  that time- to me, she was a collectors item.

A day dream.

A beautiful, white heroic dog, meets jeep and soldier of fortune type Navy corpsman, that tried to actually think that he was ready for SAR (Sea Air Rescue).  The billets were full- so no one really knows what my future was behind that door.

Why did I want SAR?  For the flight suit.  Why did I want Mutti?  For the Hollywood dream of “Old Yeller” coming back to life in my world.

Why was I like that?

I had nothing really to hold on to- except dreams of a life better than I came from.

And where I came from wasn’t bad- two proffs for parents, seeped in the stew of a single message- that academics was the only way to freedom- even though they slaved away in their own peculiar cubby holes they called offices at Purdue University.

But they were like Ken and Barbie dolls in a world where serious bad shit was going down all around the periphery of the green checker  board lawn that like the proverbial white-picket-fence,  buffered the choke hold that is reality- from the velvety clouds that hovered over West Lafayette.

So I bypassed the recipe for implied success, and hitch hiked across the country, and took with me a  stupid little Lassie dream, that was intermixed with the adolescent mojo  of a passion to  going solo on a Sahara Jeep, grand companion at my side, and biceps big enough to cover up for the fact that yeah I was a little scared- but never going to show it.

Still no Mutti.

Mutti was my dream.  I got my Jeep after 10 years on scooters (Rice Burners- not Harley’s), but the arms did get a lot bigger, and the abs- well- they were tight.

So Fast Forward to quite a bit later.  Puberty passed by, serious basketball and 2-man sand volleyball jaunts, a ton of girls were talked to and some I was enchanted by, a nip of several different community colleges as I nickle-and-dimed my way towards some sort of academic respectability, and still no Mutti.

I stayed buzzed a lot.  Harnessed my energy to buff out, school out, party out, and always seemed to have some God-given talent to verbally address the frailties of the soulless turns that life tosses at us, (jokes most often closer to home than I would have liked to consider), and somehow got through school.

My sense of humor was getting sharper, becoming something special.  But there was no Mutti then.  Just roommates, mating away.

That boat kept getting missed.  But I knew I wanted a Kuvasz, and not in a trophy-kind-of-way.  There was something in me, that said it was the right dog for me.

So what was going on in Mutti’s Life?

Well she started out with a pink stripe.  Surrounded by a whole group of siblings that had the same color or maybe blue.

These weren’t designed as Body Art- they were the true Scarlet Letter.  She was pink because she was a she.

She was in the middle of the pack.  No name, really nothing to single her out or distinguish her.  There were rumors floating around that she might get picked by somebody somewhere- but where? and to whom?

What on Earth would make her so special so as to be picked like Cinderella?

It was just odd, that she was going to be the Swan of the bunch…

So Along Came Kashmir & Me…

The bond that brought the two of us together had to be a strong one- because it was definitely against all odds.  We had a pretty big age gap, and it showed.

So depending on which side of the fence you pissed on, I was either a cradle robber, she was a gold digger, or together, we were some sort of purveyors of all that is unholy.

Well we loved each other, and we were getting married.  We were broke, but had a nice house in the woods of Northern West Michigan.  Close to lakes and rivers, and surrounded by deer, and other woodly creatures that come up to the deck at night.

Mutti was to be our Wedding Present to Each Other

So we decided to get married on Halloween, a day we could never forget for future anniversaries, and a gathering that was perfect for us.

Our Vows

And of course our dogs milled about and there was mutti !

Two people, 3 dogs, 10 fish, and a few mice… (A lot of dreams)

Since we didn’t have a a flock to call friends it was pretty much us, on our own building our dreams and our secret garden, an arbor, and a picnic area for us to hang out in.  Two people with a lot of dreams…

Us v. The World…

We built our own Wedding Chapel…

The Secret Garden …

The seeds of a dream …

Kash picked the spot…  She has eyes for that sort of thing …

I cut the Tree down that made the corner posts…

The “Rasta” Scare Crow ….

We took something that was Nothing…

And turned it into Something

Local Irrigation Baybeeee !

An Arbor

A Picnic Area

Some Landscaping

And Our Dogs… (Kuvasz, Husky-Chow- and Dalmatian)

Waiting …

And Having Fun…

The FAILED Hair cut ! (Don’t have a few brews and clip the dog’s hair)

Cheetah Like Grace

I Built Noah’s Ark for the Winter

The last hurrah’s before Texas…

And Then We  Moved to Texas

And everything that happens in Texas is Big

And as Kash said, we came with three people, three fish, three mice, and three dogs…

Well we lost Esmir…

Please say no …

Bargaining …

The Emerald Fairy Tale that wasn’t …

But we kept on going..

Mutti was always by our side …

We OWNED the streets…

And we did the things you do in Texas…

Need I elaborate ?

And We Lost Katie…

She was Kashmir’s Twin …

And Then Laz …

She had a stroke, and then another …

So We Rescued Lizzy

And We Got Us An Elroy…

Who got bigger

And was a pretty good friend to Lizzy…

But this story is about Mutti…

• Mutti was there for us when we got married and the very next day our bank account balance was leaning towards Top Ramen Noodles for dinner.
• Mutti was with us when some pretty mean people showed up at the house- and let’s just say, they didn’t want to test drive our dog…
• Mutti was there when Kashmir was all alone for 7 months as I made our new home in Texas.
• Mutti was there with her tongue hanging out- making people stare whenever we drove her around.
• She barked a lot- that’s in her nature.
• But she curls by my side as I write this, a day before she leaves us to go back to her birth state, Michigan.

We are trying to Foster to Adopt…

And the amount of traffic in the house would unsettle Mutti, and she would bark and scare the children, and we are worried she might be too protective of us.

It wouldn’t be fair to lock her in the office, or keep her away from the entire family- so we had to make a very hard choice.

At 6 years old, Mutti is in the best years of her life and has a lot of mileage left in her.  Miles that should be happy, and free, not tethered and shielded from people because of her protective instincts and barking.

So I took some pictures last night…

My last pictures of Mutti

One of my Favorite Pictures…

Mutti Looking at the World from her Home

Anyway My dearest Mutti-

Tomorrow Kash will drive you  for three days back up North.

Please always know we love you, and that the new home we have chosen for you, will lead you to a truly loving friend that will protect you for the rest of your beautiful dog days.

I will miss you terribly, and my heart weighs heavy.  But it is the only thing we can do to save you and to save us.

God Bless You… My Dearest,

God Bless you

So all of the 1st generation mice are gone, all the first dogs are gone, there are no more fish, but we remain.

The promise that is Esmir remains.  The concept of family is with us still.

And Mutti helped us get there.

So now it’s time to raise some children …

UpDate 1

Mutti in The Car- heading to the Great White North: Day 1

UpDate 2

Mutti- Chillin’ in the Miami OK hotel:  Day 1

A Fire Fly Smile

We are not born alone …

We are born amazed.

A completely pristine white page of talent waiting to be uncreased and unfurled  to the end of all that we can see that is that history of ours, yet to be heralded, yet to be written and a  grand suggestion of a future history that has no ink or footprints, unrolling to a canvas as of yet-  unexplored.

It is that book we are to become, that will someday rest on a shelf in a library to be read by others or perhaps to be ignored.

We suggest ourselves to the world, and wait for a response.  We declare our beginning and live a great life.

In the end it really is the end.

All that is left is the last part of the sentence-  “He’s gone”.

That really does say it all.

But it is the way it is said, the way it is remembered that puts the last earmark on the page.

It is the oddest things that people leave behind.  Better said, it is the oddest things that people give to others, things that aren’t carelessly missed or forgotten.  A peculiar way of seeing things, saying things, or hating things.   It is their predictability to situations that arise, the songs they loved, the people they ignored that speaks for them now- when they can no longer speak.

People make a difference when they are unlike you- but affect you to become a little more like them.

That isn’t to say that you have been swayed or changed, but the memory of certain things that they were about, affected the way you made a certain decision, or said a certain thing in a certain way.

The imprint was there to be interpreted in your own particular fashion, spontaneous and unanticipated, it becomes you but nevertheless was part of them. So it becomes a part of you.  And so they live on.

The integrity of their life slips into the body of what you are and what you shall become.  So they live as part of the equation that you send forward to others and your children.

So in a sense you take the very best from the very best of them,

when a long time down the road  you say again what they would have said, remember again what they would have suggested to you, remember a song, a flavor, or a color of what was them.

There is no boat to sink here, the people left behind, live on and will in their own lives bring forward what was spectacular about you that perhaps you could not recognize.  They shall endure and have children, that shall deliver to their own children a portion of what you offered, the best of the best of what was you.

The final sentence of you is not yet written and shall endure because you can never be unwritten.

You have affected more than you can know in a stream of life with so many rivers.  Your children are you, and theirs will be yours, and any bridge that needs to be crossed will be safer because of you and what you brought to them.

So that is you, and you have left but are never lost to us.

The color of the world has not changed, but the shade shall now be slightly different.  The crest of sunlight that sparks the cloud before the storm will have a little bit of you in it, the things that scare us in the night will be a little less scary because of you.

From a Distance ...

The urgency to live life in a fuller, more gracious manner will become us because of you.

The amazement that was you when you were born, is in us that are your children and the people that you influenced.

We are amazed.

And because of you- we are Amazing.

I'm going to miss you Dad...

July 25, 2011

My Dearest Maria,

Well you are headed back to Michigan to start 8th grade.  I wanted to tell you that I enjoyed your visit to Texas this summer, and I hope you enjoyed your stay.  We had a lot of good times, and as usual we had our “moments”.

I for one am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and this is my first time raising a daughter.  So if I don’t do it as well as I should, the next time we visit and the next effort will no doubt be an improvement- as it should be when people and families grow together.

I have watched you grow and change over the last 1.5 years- more dramatically than in prior segments  of your life.   It is impressive how you are finding yourself, and I am sure the next time we see each other, you will have changed some more.

What will not change, is your good spirit, and the great heart you have for others.  You are a fair person, and expect the same in return.  Sometimes it doesn’t happen, and more often than not- you will find people that don’t meet your expectations.  Trust and loyalty are your strongest suit, and your greatest expectation from others.  Having been down the road a little longer- I can tell you that by the end of your life you will count your “true” friends on one hand.  This has been my experience, and it is hard to believe at times- but trust me- it’s true.

Hannah is a true friend.  I am grateful for the two of you to have each other.

So for the rest of the summer, have a great time with Hannah.  Spend more time with your mom because she loves you more than anybody, and she deserves your respect.  You never know when the last time you see someone is, so treat every visit with that in mind.

Maria…

I will always love you

Dad.

Wednesday:  July 6

• Click Audio Play Button Below…
• Maria brings her best friend Hannah to visit Dad in Texas.
• Airplane to Dallas from Detroit, unaccompanied Minors !!!

• Did I say UNACCOMPANIED ????
• Maria’s in charge- cuz she’s flown the most.
• Weird guy on plane, looks like a terrorist.  Spends waaay to much time in the bathroom…
• Surprises dad at home- almost knocks him off his feet with a big hug
• Hannah meets Elroy…

• Played locale (Game) in the afternoon.  Dad wins 20- 18- 8 6 (DKMH- in that order)
• Dinner at a Texas steak house- dad gets called in so we eat with Kashmir- and take a taxi home (Hannah’s 1st Taxi).
• Hannah likes Maria’s bedroom and likes Lizzy a little more than Elroy.

• Dad gets home at 11:30

Thursday:  July 7

• Dad wakes the girls up at 9:00 !!!!!
• Coffee run and they are out of Strawberry shakes.  Maria bumms out.
• Waiting for the Foster parents people to show up for Dad and Kashmir’s interview.  They are nervous and just want everything to go ok.
• Dad blows it- mixes up the days completely !  The Foster parent people are coming in on Friday from Amarillo!
• Girls take pics with dawgs

• Mexican for lunch from Rosas.  Dad and Hannah crank out some Mexican tunes, and Maria desperately claws at the radio dial.
• Go swimming at a place down the street called the “Swimming Hole“.  Texas is hot- 104 today.
• Hang out at the house, make Chicken soup with Kashmir, and take lot’s of pictures!  First time making chicken soup ever!  Hannah and Maria “bone the chicken”.

• 1st glass falls and breaks.  (Maria)
• The girls watch “JerseyShores“ for the first time.  Hannah likes Paulie, Maria Likes Snookie, Kashmir likes Paulie, and Dad likes Ronnie.

Friday:  July 8

• Dad wakes the girls up at 9:00 !!!!!
• Again !!!!
• Coffee run and they are out of Strawberry shakes.  maria bumms out.
• The Foster parent people show up and Maria and Hannah watch Kashmir and Dad get interviewed for 2.5 hours!
• Italian food at Stella’s.  Hannah really like the food and the place.  Maria actually likes the chicken Parmesan.  Dad does the Clam sauce linguini, and Kash does a turkey club.
• Dad gets the girls some scrapbook materials so they can scrapbook their stay in Texas.
• Signs them up for Scrapbook classes for Saturday.
• Pepsi Run- no strawberry shakes STILL !!!
• Different McDonalds- they have shakes- Maria gets one- Maria spills shake all over her pants.
• Girls get Dawg Assignments:  They feed and water the mutts on alternating days…

• Monopoly with Dad, he gets his butt kicked, and finally Maria beats Hannah.
• Kashmir gets the girls started on making Tutus.

Saturday:  July 9

• Dad wakes the girls up at 9:00 !!!!!
• Again !!!!
• WITH A GONG !!!!!!!!!

• Maria and Hannah off to Scrapbook class, Dad get’s called in.
• Scrapbook class sucks.  Teacher is a scrapbook Nazi!
• Dad gets an idea for planning a mysterious activity.  A secret surprise?
• Girls try to hack Dad’s computer while he and Kasmir go out on a recon trip for supplies.
• Kashmir and Dad argue about stupid stuff, but fix it real fast.
• Hannah and Maria try to rip Dad’s fingers off the computer as they try to read the “history” to figure out Dad’s secret surprise.
• Dad changes password to computer.
• Hannah hacks it- and he ends up changing it again.
• Hannah and Dad have consumed about 5 pound worth of grapes so far.  Maria has trashed the gummy bears.
• Tacos for dinner.
• More work on the Tutus.

Sunday:  July 10

• Dad gets called in early.
• The girls finally get to sleep in.
• Tried to go to the Swimming Hole- but it’s closed for a private party.
• Girls get rays in the back yard.

• Dad Blogs.
• Kashmir works on Tutus.
• Maria does “Self Portraits“

• 2nd glass falls and breaks.  (Hannah)
• Girls write letters and send pictures to two Army guys that the family “Adopted” (part of an adopt a soldier program to send our boys overseas some care packages).
• Kashmir gets the girls started on making soaps for the Craft show next weekend.
• Dad gets the girls to sign a group picture to send to the Army dudes.
• Dad starts a chicken BBQ.

• Dad finds out the chicken is raw.
• Dad flips (yeah I did- jus’ a ‘lil bit).
• We watch “Ghost Ship“- Dad is the villain, Maria s the long haired dude, Hannah is the ghostly little girl, and Kashmir is “Das Boat”.

Monday:  July 11

• Dad works early.
• The girls melt down
• Nobody can make their minds up about swimming- so THAT gets cancelled
• First Family Meeting
• Hannah is more of a hermit crab under her blanket- than a real hermit crab.  So Dad put’s the hermit crab cage in front of her as a metaphor for the whole behavior thing.
• Hannah doesn’t think that’s all that clever

• Dad gets a “3″ for his effort and especially heroic speech.
• Maria and Dad go around town (:  (Gotta give Hannah a break from us sometime.  Can you imagine- a Dad JUST like Maria?  Except larger?)
• Maria check’s out Dad’s operating room

• They come back with food.
• Meanwhile Dad tells Maria and sings like a Canary about the horseback riding trip
• Hannah is chilled out
• They play Monopoly
• The entire state of Michigan calls to make sure Hannah is ok.
• She tells them she is-
• Dad flips again and quits cuz’ the girls are cheating again.
• Hannah and Maria and Dad gather in the office- and chatter together like a small pack of conniving rats trying to figure out how NOT to tell Kashmir that the chicken has flown the coop- and everybody knows everything about everything to do with the horse and Canyon trip

• A lot of finger pointing as we get busted by Kashmir in the office.
• It’s a race to see who can throw the other UNDER the bus FIRST!
• Dad almost breaks the 3rd Glass (a bottle next to the fridge)
• Kashmir holds a trial (she is the Judge) and by the time it’s all said and done, Hannah and Maria get off scott free- and Dad takes the major hit and is GUILTY of everything:  Obstruction of justice, Misleading a judge, being a Dad, that sort of thing.
• Tonight we watch the Goonies:  Maria is “Chunk”, Hannah is the “cute girl”, Dad starts out as the mean older brother- but switches to “mouth”, and Kashmir is “1-eyed-Willie”.

Tuesday:  July 12

• Dad works early.  (5 hours of sleep)
• Hannah and Maria go swimming
• Kashmir works out and hooks up with the girls at the “Swimming Hole” and they stay an hour or so more.
• Dad gets out of work and goes to an Army surplus store to buy canteens for the Canyon trip.
• The girls make pizza
• We watch an early movie “Beastly“.  Hannah is the “cute chick”, Maria is the “blonde witch”, Dad is the “evil dad”, and Kashmir makes more tutus.

• Ice cream run.
• Brief sand / thunderstorm- really windy, air smells like rain and dirt.  Sky is a sick yellowish pink gray.
• Dad works on this Texas diary, and the girls are hanging out with Kash.

Wednesday:  July 13

• Dad works @ 9 ish.
• Girls stayed up until 5 am- woke up at 1:30 pm
• Girls help Kashmir pack and label purses for a craft show on Saturday.
• Watch movie “Catch Me if You Can” (Leonardo Dicaprio)
• Backyard for rays…
• Dad cooks up some steaks and Kashmir does some terrific sauteed carrots and twice baked potatos.
• Dinner is served as we watch Big Brother.
• And the Players are …

• Dad is Dick

• Kashmir is Jeff

• Maria is Danielle

• Hanna is Jordan

• Girls plan on staying up late and later.
• Dad crashes early- up by 5:30 tomorrow.
• Kasmir is getting to her goal of 12 tutus, and an ungodly variety of soaps.
• Dad figures out that the girls ran out of shampoo a few days ago- thought they were fully stocked

Thursday:  July 14

• Dad works @ 6:30.
• Kashmir brings the great white beast home (Mutti)

• Girls stay up late the night before- so it’s a 2:00 pm wake up
• They are informed that even rock stars after a gig, hold more more reasonable hours.
• Dad & Kash run a bunch of errands- Dad has a longer day tomorrow.
• Dad snags Mara- and they go to Best Buy to get an early Birthday present.
• Maria gets an I-Pad 2- Black with a nice shell, and 64 gig WiFi.
• We all watch Big Brother.
• Dad’s guy ends up leaving so Dad becomes Kieth

• And that guy get’s booted- so now Dad’s playing the farm girl person.

• Dad let’s the great white beast (Mutti) out in the living room to get comfortable with the girls.
• Hannah is cool with it, Maria- not so much.
• The girls have forgotten how much time they spent with Mutti back in the day.

• And The Great White Beast loved her…

• But now things are different- and Maria avoids TGWB…  sigh

Friday:  July 15

• Dad works early- comes home late (after 7)
• The girls get up at 10 (preconditioning for tomorrow when they have to get up at 6:45 am)
• Girls off to swim
• Kashmir cooks up some burgers, and gets organized for the craft show
• Girls to bed early (but who knows how long they are up skyping)
• The household gos down quietly on a Lubbock Friday night.

Saturday:  July 16

• Up and away at 7:15 for Kashmir and the girls.
• It’s Craft Show Time !
• Dad sleeps in til 9:00 am
• Some of the products:

• And another…

• The Craft Show Setup

• A different Angle

• Totally in charge…

• Body Art (No they’re not real)

• Sign Post 1

• Sign Post 2

• A Car Show…

• Kashmir Craft Show updates:  3 tutus sold and 3 purses
• Home at 6- Girls are really tired
• Hot Pockets and fixen’s is on the menu (they hate Chinese)
• Girls stay up late (they got their 2nd wind thing).

Sunday:  July 17

• Girls are up late …  It’s past 1 pm and still hibernating
• Dad blogs-
• A day full of drama talks and honesty
• Clearing out the Facebook confusion
• The girls watch “Cyber Bully“

Monday:  July 18

• Dad is Off this week (well on super secret standby- only if the stars align just perfectly and the you know what- hits the fan.
• Errands with Kashmir
• Dad loves Kashmir
• A lot !!!!!

-

The girls do an Underwater Photo shoot !

• The theme music from Jaws is playing here ….

• This is what a Mermaid looks like right before you drown…  Drop dead beautiful !

• Yippee Ki Yay !!!!

• I wish I could Skype This…

• Why does she make me do this?

• Wait “til we start Our World Tour !

• Kashmir rustles up some Potato Soup with cheese and bacon bits for the posse.
• Dad does the 1 hour photo thing and gets these pictures up on the blog.
• The girls get serious about their Texas scrapbooks.

1-2-3-4…  I declare a Puzzle War !

• 2 puzzles- 2 teams:  750 pieces each !
• Hannah & Maria v. Kashmir and Dad (except Dad isn’t helping much yet)

• Not sure what’s worse- Hannah and Maria together- or Kashmir without Dad…
• The girls look scared and shaken…

Tuesday:  July 19

• The countdown begins.  What seemed a long time a while ago- seems super fast now.   T-minus 6 days. 
• Dad is off today- blogs a bit while the family sleeps in.
• Kashmir off to the gym for a workout.
• Girls up @ noon.
• It took a cattle prod to herd them out of their room…

• Maria is grumpy
• HMU baby  (“hit me up” Internet slang for “Text Me”)
• Kash takes the girls out to lunch, some clothes shopping, and maybe an eyebrow place…
• Face to Face with the Wicked Witch of the West…
  

Wednesday:  July 19

• Today is LaserTag Wednesday (along with a bunch of other things).
• The plan is to go to The Main Attraction :  A rockin’ Arcade place…

Update:

• LaserTag Wednesday got moved to LaserTag Thursday so that today could be Sleep-in Wednesday and BBQ Cookoff day !
• Girls plan on sleeping in and then off to the Swimming Hole.
• Dad gets some rays and tunes …

The Rib Cook-off Begins…

• Dad’s entry…

• Kashmir’s Yet-to-be-cooked ribs…  Winner !

• And the rest of the day was drama free. (Yay)

Puzzle War Update !

• Hannah & Maria Win!

• Kashmir was Valiant- but dad was a TOTAL slacker on this project-  some token help is all …  Kash never had a fighting chance…

Before Continuing Story:  Click Aidio Link below…

• Click Below to Play Audio

Thursday:  July 21

• Today is LaserTag Thursday (finally).

• Off to The Main Event !

• We decided against Laser Tag- went for Glow-in-the-dark miniature golf…

• Some of the geographical features…

• The obligatory alien dude…

• Then off to some Air Guitar-

• Looking like Some Girl Band-

• And then the Apollo 13 Mission Training thingy …

• Of course the “Grainy” Armageddon” style video reception to Houston Control…

• Launch is a GO !

• “Houston… We Have a Problem”

• A Video of the Flight …

• A beautiful shot of the girls …

-

Off To Go Bowling…

• The Alley is Lit Up…

• It’s “Team Gutter“  vs. “Team Muffin“
• Hannah is on “Team Gutter“

• “Team Gutter” in action “The Twinkle Toe” toss…

• Hannah Overcoming the “Gutter”:  Trying to master the “Twinkle Toe” style…

• Sigh …  “Team Gutter” lives up to the name…

-

Friday:  July 21

• Today is: the day before- the day before- the day before- the girls have to leave..
• Dad getting ready for trip to the Palo Duro Canyon Trip

• Maria & Hannah go swimming…
  

(they are up to something- but I can’t tell what it is- definitely some scheming going on…)

• Dad & Kashmir go to Stella’s for a Romantic Dinner…

-

A surprise Birthday Party !

• Dad comes home and the girls spray him with silly string…

• Great ice cream cake

• A metaphor for “Hopes & Dreams“

• Kash, Dad, Maria & Hannah- We Each Made a Wish …

-

Saturday:  July 23

• Today is: the day before- the day before- the girls have to leave..
• Dad REELY getting ready for the Palo Duro Canyon Trip

• The Arrival to Palo Duro Canyon

• Awesome stuff-

• Reminds me of “Titanic” (on the bow)

• Kash gets a shot of Maria & Dad…

• They are Flying …

• On the Edge

• The Horse Ride pre-fashion show…

• In the Saddle…

• Joining the Posse…

• Some Scenary

• POV (Point Of View)

• It’s a “Dry Heat” …

• Killer Scenery …

• How do they Live?

• Lone Rider …

• Coming in from the Ride

• Tuff Stuff…

• Wrapping it up…

• Denial

• We share the genes but not the shoes…

• A beautiful stallion looks on…

• Off to the Show…

And it’s time to Say Goodbye

-

And They Rode off Into the Sunset …

=

Click to Play : 

-

09:00

As we trace life by markers that paint our lives, seminal events that shape us become mile markers, and decades are the big lines on the ruler.

Kashmir’s vacation takes us into the Next Decade.

So it’s a transitional day to wonder about the choices out there.  The last chapter was truly remarkable and complex, the next one yet to be written.

Sure Footed in a Sea of Change ...

More stuff to be written, just waiting for the data train to arrive via I phone.

04:30 am.

Will it be ... As good as the Book ?

A Prickly Night at Best

Sleep was haphazard and there was an edginess in the house that comes when change is in the air.  Kash upon waking made a comment that it didn’t seem real, the excitement wasn’t the same as the kind you have as a child when sleeping (not) through Christmas Eve, waiting for the unwrapping to consume even the air molecules in your lungs.

Since I was staying behind, there is a haziness that settles in, a numbing fog of separation anxiety mixed with a certain false bravado one shows the ones most loved, when you are happy and sad at the same time.  The exhilaration of finally pulling the trigger for a long awaited journey and hoping that all shall be well.  It feels like a moment to step aside.  So I am quiet even though I want to bark.  I think it’s the wind that has me uneasy.

The first of many modes of transportation ...

It’s a couple of  flights, a shuttle or two, and a hired taxicab driver to get to to Shangri-La (or in this case- Fort Lauderdale- the first portal to the Big Adventure).

The Portal to Adventure ...

As with all Portals, there is sure to be some down time.

An Empty Hall of Souls ...

Time enough to buy something that will jog our memory of this fine example of living life to the hilt, so the initial salvo is released, and the first memento is secured.

Broke Back Sumphin'

The Shot Glass Heard Around the World

That is pretty much what we have here.  It will be broken-in along with several anticipated cousins.

You know how back in the day when “the people” were the actual Indians that roamed and hunted the Great Plains?  The battles they fought with one another were triumphs of courage if one “Counted Coup”.

“Counting Coup”  is a French term (not a French act) that describes  the act of touching the enemy warrior in the heat of battle, reaching from your horse to his.  It was considered courageous, because no weapon is involved, and the Indian Brave is at the mercy of the enemy by daring to touch them while declining to pull rank with a weapon.

Touch This !

We count coup by collecting shot glasses from the places we visit.  There is no assault on the liver to be framed here.  Our journeys and adventures are not seen through a glass, but  are cataloged by the glass.  Kashmir is one of the People, I am a stray hybrid Teuton.

Hi Sue

I love you Kash ...

I'm Ah' Leavin' on a Jet Plane ...

Fading back to January of last year, we were having one of those talks that couples have, on a free and lazy Saturday afternoon when fantasy is a dust in the air that sometimes settles on us.  It was a conversation that had no real beginning, but thrust us forward to new inspiration at the end.

Is that US in the monitor? He must be blogging again ...

It was magical conversation because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be writing about it. It is a story of islands yet to be explored, exploits of the past (Philippines, Hawaii, Guam), and waves like magical pancakes slathering on beaches somewhere in places to be visited in future days.  It is a story of explorations to be had, unseen things to be discovered, unusual animals to be encountered, and dreams to be unwrapped.  It was Kashmir’s dream, and I was there to help weave it’s inception.

Wait a minute! I'm an ornament... Not a Monkey...

So anyway that story is now, and the parts in the chapters for this tale are in the Caribbean Islands, the adventure beginning with a soft landing in Fort Lauderdale (the Venice of America) and moving on to welcoming in the New Year with a little bit of Cuba to be found at one or many of the Miami Beach nightclubs.

This trip is like a  fantastical imaginarium of night time story tales put together as a child.  A bunch of childhood fantasies unearthed and rediscovered in that brief moment when  matted layers of adulthood are momentarily peeled away, and becomes that soap bubble that finally settles on the tip of a tree without bursting.

These moments are rare, and this trip is THAT soap Bubble.  Now THAT- is what I am talking about.

Hopes and Dreams

So let’s begin this little adventure …

December 26, 2010.

8:00 am.

Ok it’s the day after Christmas, four days and a wake up until the flight to Ft Lauderdale, Florida.  Christmas was ok this year, but it was like an appetizer for the things to come.

You can Photoshop me all you want.. I'm still a bush- NOT a tree.

It’s not like we went through the motions or anything, but face it, we are here in Lubbock Texas, basically a small scrabble board in the middle of the dessert.  Both our families are in Michigan, and conference phone calls while we open our presents just don’t quite hack it.  I found myself wishing we had hologram technology, so we could at least fake opening our presents with our families.  Even our dining hall table resembled an airstrip.

I'm NOT a landing strip !

09:15 am

Kash is still asleep as I write this.  She stayed up late reading, and no doubt worrying about packing everything for the trip and not forgetting anything.  She is going with Sue (a close family friend), countless hours spent on the phone, facebook, and emails to one another,  making plans and then reworking those plans to the  nittiest of grittiest details.  The countdown  they have been doing  for this trip  would embarrass even NASA.

Being this year’s holiday mule, I got up early  transformed into a Christmas Troll and packed away all of our Christmas stuff to make room for a Launch Pad for Kashmir’s upcoming Caribbean Island Cruise.  Just like that, Christmas was wiped away to make room for a worthier holiday event.

Geez... And we haven't even been eaten yet

We use Launch Pads when we get ready for an adventure, or somebody has to go away for an overnight trip.  It helps us organize our lives, and basically becomes a big comfort blanket for our worst fears (like forgetting your passport or something horribly wrong like that).

Launch Pad: 10:00 am December 26

11:15 am:

Kash likes the blog entry.  We discuss her suitcase strategy.  We decide to have our before-she-leaves-date on Wednesday, the day before she leaves.  She decides a new garment bag and some black soft soled shoes are in order.

Next stop:   Ze Plane…

The fabulous "Ze" Plane ...

Well let’s run from that last one…  It is actually 6.

Us

People say that love isn’t that complicated.

But it is.

It is tethered by rules and obligations that souls make to one another on the fly.

It becomes a rocket when a balloon is released.

It is unsolvable.

An equation that melts away from the outcome yet undecided of the human race, but strings it’s hopes on to a claim of the next breath the two of you will take together.

It is compelling.

_________________________________________________________

So how do you say it?

If I was a man, dying on some foreign planet after my rocket had exploded many million miles from the planet earth, my astro shield had been penetrated, and my right arm had been defeated by galactic asteroid pellets, so therefore I couldn’t reach out and grab my seriously penetrating Astro gun to decimate the very frightening Astrosaurous about to munch on my depleted unsurfaced- non-astro arm- well that would pretty much be the end.

Call me "Bucky"

I suppose in that brief astro-second prior to being relieved of the tenuous labor we call life, some sort of astro-blasts would course through the lest vestiges of what we call euphoric recall, and the vision of you-   Kashmir, would compete with the gut wrenching evisceration of my shoulder (the last defense- attached to the astro gun carrying hand) from it’s socket, rendering me completely defenseless.

As seen through Astro Glasses- In all reality the Creature is a Terrifying Green...

The assumption is, that the array of 10 inch saurian teeth, exhausting the dead flesh of the last kill, are going to meet their implied destination…

Shooting the gun off repeatedly into the soft underbelly of the otherworldly reptile, continues to prove itself as an ineffectual and totally unreliable defense option as was offered up by our minister as a legitimate way to circumvent our marriage vows.

Call Me- Rae... Billy Rae Gunn .....

But in that momentary recognition of total doom, my last gasp in this 6th year of our marriage would be….  You.

Well- what would distinguish my death from a common death?

It would be my love for you.

It would be your love for me.

Forget the songs, lets get to the teeth- our total indestructible will to be together regardless.

You know how sauce boils over when bringing it to a heat?  It is the stove unwatched.

Well that was every day- is every day we are apart.

It took a lot of miles, and many – so many empty nights to last through some very tough times to get us here.

But we did it

Simply said- (If you were curious at all),

I love you with all my heart my dearest.

Deconstructing the anatomy of an open heart  team is like reading the writing on a wall from some war memorial somewhere, remembering a lot of somebody’s, that were in a lot of battles somewhere, fighting for a lot of  something.

Nothing stands out.  Different hats, different times, different weapons, for sure there was a major conflict at sometime.  And you know it’s absolutely important, because it’s written  in granite- so  no doubt it had to matter.

And every day in the heart room-  well it matters…

The process of actually becoming a team is a matter of fact that is most often overlooked by the members themselves, as the day- in and day-out struggle  of trying to avoid imperfection takes it toll on common sense inclinations to back down, reassess, and regroup.  This is a harsh environment with no buffer for leeway, hesitation or second thoughts.  If you’re inside you have earned it, but when the door opens and then closes behind you, then it’s all about integrity of purpose.  It’s a one way door for us, the patient has the same option but is horizontal.  Our goal is vertical.

We are people placed into slots, and the sum total of that aggregate space that those slots take up-  ends up being a team of sorts. The end point of the team, is to do no harm and to optimize patient outcomes.

No... He's not a robot...

Because of the demands for consistent performance with no human error,  it may sound like work better suited for robots and the sterility of their implied infallibility, but potential clinical permutations are far too abundant to allow for finite prescriptive responses, so part of the chemistry requires that all the moving parts can think on their own two feet.

The clock ticks on and eventually the soup comes to a boil and simmers to completion.  Same ingredients but a different taste.  Not exactly home cooking, but in a way it is.

As long as it works…

From point A to B.

Four thirty in the morning rolls by and a memory twitch brings your dreams to pause and you slumber on.  Sentinels at alert status as you eyeball the clock at 5:15, and then of course the parachute… the snooze button as the alarm triggers off.

Shit shower shave and shampoo in that order- as you prep up for the day.  One antacid, one anti-hypertensive, a quick kiss goodbye to the  other half of my dreams,  and out the door.

It’s always good when all the red lights are still blinking.  It means you are ahead of the game and basically the lead rat.  An hour or so earlier and the same intersection had last night’s drunks being hauled in after all the bars had closed.  They are kind of closing in to the end point of the Darwinian stream…  But then again a few years back, somewhere, somehow, they outraced a million or so of their other competitors to fertilize that egg…

So back to the dog race.

On the horizon where the freeway meets a shrouded sky, the peaks of the hospital are silhouetted to my right, a sharp contrast to the morning mist on the ground below, and the dew drops outlining the windshield of my car.  There is glitter everywhere, refracted moonlight, midnight street lamps, hospital fog lamps, and the high beams from my car.

Off to the races, as I hit the second floor, coffee up in the doctors lounge, pick up a tackle box full of meds at the pharmacy window, and through several doors finally enter OR room 11.

Before me stands the beast…  The heart lung machine.

It's not a star ship- but it just might get you there...

Setting it All Up

And then a lot of things happen in a pretty flash forward kind of way.  The pump is tested, supplies are checked, in streaks an orderly, deposited are blankets, saline, suction containers, out goes the orderly, platelet gel components are set up,  in comes the anesthesia tech, a litany of safety checks on anesthesia machine, pressure transducers zeroed and checked, meanwhile my pump is purring, occlusions checked, anesthesia tech finishes monitor lines, meds are drawn and delivered to appropriate ports, in comes a circulating nurse to sniff, out she goes, hello scrub tech- passer number one, heater cooler tested, second scrub arrives, sterile items unpeeled and dropped onto sterile fields, cell saver check, scrub is scrubbed in and off to back table, CO2 flushing complete, ECC disposables to scrub, and the room has filled up with at least 3 or 4 people that are finally  now here to stay.

The first foray of the day rears it’s head as yesterday’s late night case is discussed and dissected for the good the bad and the ugly.

I wasn’t there so I don’t know.  But knowing the players helps you speculate as you continue setting up.

He walks in, mood assessed, and typically no extraneous pleasantries.  The  weather forecast for the OR has now been predicted but is definitely not written in stone.  The question of priming has been answered as the cardiac surgeon leaves the room.

Yo Dude ... That's Your DNA -- (on the inside)

The bee-hive warms to red as the patient arrives and a well choreographed sequence of events is initiated.  A lot of activity, a lot of drones.  Meds are dropped and the extracorporeal circuit is primed.  The patient gets an arterial line, is catheterized,  Swanned, and scoped.  Baseline arterial blood gasses are drawn, and coagulation parameters assessed.  Patient STS and H&P data recorded.

There are monitors within monitors in a world already full of monitors. A mosquito would have a better chance flying up a rat’s ass as opposed to getting out of here without a blood pressure reading being flashed on a screen somewhere  here in our world.

If  it has a number and it can be measured and more importantly- if a paper was published about it- yeah we will measure it, file it, print it, and database the crap out of it… because we can.  Cardioplegia is primed.

Also Sprach…

The beginning of a title by Nietzsche that reflects the entirety of the open heart experience.   “So Speaks …”  the cardiac surgeon that will manifest the destiny for this patient today.  You cannot  take God’s will out of it, but  in this case as well as all  the others, it is the will of the team that will  have the most profound impact on how well our patient does.

A final verbal review of the patient procedure is done as the surgeon and first assist are gowned and gloved.  Time to cut.

And so it begins ...

A saphenous vein is taken from the leg, so that becomes the first incision , the next is to the chest and bi-valving the sternum from the xyphoid process north to the  sterno-clavicular notch.  STS predicted mortality and morbidity is calculated and reviewed.

A fiber-optic scope is moved to the foot of the patient to assist in the vein harvest, and a large flat screen monitor placed next to the patient opposite the surgeon, providing a cinematic map of cardiac topography and the currents of the patient’s heart.  A 3D worm is in place by anesthesia through the throat (esophagus) to evaluate the heart chambers, their movement, and how well they squeeze.  Elasticity, contractility, wall motion abnormalities, ejection fractions, and valvular performance are all discussed during this segment.   Heparin dose response established.

Fraught with peril?  I wouldn’t say that.  More so than not, sheer repetition and a few bumps…  Vein harvest complete.

An Android Arm is Prepping his Face ...

The Heart of the Matter

I consider myself as a buffer.  A veil between the most terrifying possible event versus a smooth ride with no turbulence.  It takes a lot to stay away from the left side of that equation-  75% O2 on.  Most importantly it’s about faith in yourself.  Internal mammary harvest complete.  I anticipate failure in others, and compensate for that-  Lines are clamped. It is my unwillingness to accept personal failure that keeps my edge sharp- pre bypass checklist done. As we pass our lines up to the surgical field and  heparinize the patient, second gear kicks in 1% forane on.  The heart is now exposed, and the surgeon begins the process of cannulating the heart and doing all the things that we are here to do-  shunts and purge lines are off.

Bypass

The edge is tighter now, going on bypass is one of those things that after you jump- you really can’t un-jump.

The heart lung machine is moved up to the patient and sterile lines are passed up to the surgical field.  Patient anticoagulation is assessed, and the heart is prepared to have it’s life blood diverted and assisted by the device I operate. A solid stream of dark red blood to be remixed to an oxygen rich bright red stream destined to all points north and south for the patient as we go on bypass.

When initiating bypass there is always a certain amount of tension.  The closest I can relate that to would be when a plane takes off in flight.  It is that brief moment when so many critical factors need to be assessed to determine if indeed this bird will fly.  There aren’t too many bailouts for pilots, so if they fail it truly is life or death.  Equally so in this arena.  There are so many moving parts and pieces that need to work, that only become tested once the die is cast…  It doesn’t take long, maybe 10 seconds or so to figure out which road you are going to be on.

Patient cooled, flow down, crossclamp on, cardioplegia in, and the heart is stopped.  Now the fix begins.

It's What We Do ...

Mano e Mano, vessel by vessel-  it’s a one at a time scenario in flux.  All the road maps in the world can’t tell you what circulation of a heart that you are operating on will look like.  Imagine the tributaries in Venice, some water ways are flooded, and others drained to the point of bumping into rocks at the bottom.  Then consider the tide as it  rises and falls.  That is when a mechanic becomes an artist.

Painting a Picture ...

When it’s My Game

On bypass >cool > fill the patient >flow down >cross clamp on >vent off >give cardioplegia >vent on >fill the patient >vent off >give cardioplegia >vent on >rewarm >down on flow >lidocaine in >cross clamp off >flow down >partial cross clamp on >flow down clamp off >ventilator >fill the patient >come off bypass.  Labs and adjusting meds as needed.  A thousand plus variations of said theme apply.  I wish it was that easy…

ps:  do not attempt this in your living room.

Well that sums it up.  Off bypass and all is well.  No back slapping required.

We don’t roll like that-

Because after all- we are professionals.

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